Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
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– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I think about this a lot
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”