Ok team, today we’re …..oh
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The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.