It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
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it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
The honesty is refreshing
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?