me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
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little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
#gardening
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Free him