Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
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It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
FRED: right
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.