Godspeed, John Glenn
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Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.