NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
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My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
#ParentingFacts
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.