We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
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Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”