Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
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My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.