me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
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ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only