*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
You Might Also Like
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Vodka burrito was a success
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?