My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
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Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
こいつ天才
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Cannot stop laughing at this
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.