I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
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finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
🍛
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.