There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
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Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*