My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
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Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
My inexpensive home security system…
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Jurassic park gets weird
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ