Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
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Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Your honor these allegations are
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear