The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
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Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.