Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
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A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.