I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
You Might Also Like
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!