SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
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Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?