All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
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Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
worst…sale…ever
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”