[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
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Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I beg your pardon?
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough