[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
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My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
and now we wait
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.