Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
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Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Twitter fine art
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
The Birdles
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.