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Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
pat pat
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien