I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
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doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?