If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
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[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
what the
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.