I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
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It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Banana is the quietest snack
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.