My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
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(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I’m tired tomorrow.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.