There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
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If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
are there any atheist mantises?
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it