*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
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Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Tough love is true love
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”