Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
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principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
quarantine day 3
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.