went fishing caught a bass
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.