Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
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He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”