[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
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COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
time for some seasonal decor
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?