At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
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I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.