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Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
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I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.