I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
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I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.