Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
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Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.