FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
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watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
they really do be looking like this
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along