[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
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me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
My inexpensive home security system…
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.