I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
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If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.