Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
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Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Holy shit he’s back
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Hot Hot Hot
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.