I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
You Might Also Like
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
how to have fun when you’re poor
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?