Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
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[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs