“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
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Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall