I did not eat the cake…
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Untitled Goose Game (2019)
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
“OMGJK” -atheists