Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
…żyje?
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.