Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
You Might Also Like
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Always a housemaid, never a house.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”