Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
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I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Thank you corporation very cool
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him